November 27, 2002

I finally saw the extended version of FOTR this past weekend while visiting Jintian in NY. I was telling a friend earlier that I was nervous about seeing this version, because of some of the canon related issues I discussed in terms of Apocalypse Now Redux last August (I don't have separate links for entries, because I am lazy, but it was the August 6 entry on this page.) But then my friend pointed out that the extended version is still based on the canon of the book, and I think I watched the extended movie version with that in mind--that it was a more faithful retelling of the book a la the Harry Potter movies, and that the screened version was more conscious of its transition from book to film. I liked the extended version very much, but I'm glad they made the cuts they did for the movie.

New York was fun; I got to meet Mely *waves*, and I dragged her and J. to the MOMA. I don't know much about modern art, but I find it more appealing than traditional art in a lot of ways. It's nice to have art that's about the actual "stuff": the materials, the medium, paint, canvas, what have you. I'm less interested in the overly symbolic aspects of some modern art, and/or the symbolism imposed on it. There was one incredibly annoying piece that was made up of two television screens on top of one another, both showing a man's head jumping up and down yelling "Think!" It was, not surprisingly, titled "Think." Sometimes the screens had the man's head moving in unison, sometimes off beat; at times they moved up and down together and other times they went toward and away from each other.

It was mesmerizing for about 10 seconds, then it was just annoying. If I wasn't already inclined to think, someone yelling at me to do so wouldn't really push me in that direction. I wondered if he had some stereotypical middle aged housewife in mind, whose husband beats up on her and whose children are contemptuous of her, standing in front of this piece in sudden enlightenment: "Think! That's what I should be doing. Oh, how much I've been missing out on! I will leave my husband and make it on my own." Or some racist, misogynistic white male who thus realizes the error of his ways. Bulletin: these people think very well on their own, they just don't happen to think the way we'd like them to.

Apropos, perhaps: J. and I went to see 8 Mile, which I thought was really well done. The movie had a lot of humor to it, actually--I wasn't expecting that. And Eminem is just hot, in the way of a cute puppy who at any moment could turn into a snarling rabid dog.

I think I had more to say about something, but now I can't remember. It was probably just some whining about Thanksgiving and family obligations, and why some members of my extended family make me wonder how on earth I'm related to these people. Instead, I'll leave off with some recs:

J. found a cool HP vid by Sylvia Kundera: Lose Yourself. I never would have thought to set a HP vid to that song, but it works amazingly well.

sheldrake posted a lovely DIR story: Protection (Will/Bran). The tone of the story is so reminiscent of the books it's scary, and the characters are spot on.

And Hal has a new LOTR story, Durin's Day (Gimli/Galadriel), which is just cool and creepy. Her Galadriel brings on both shivers and longing, just as she should.

November 19, 2002

This was an exciting weekend. (Except for Saturday, which was as dull as the non-stop rain that curbed any impulse I might have had to leave the house.) Friday, I went over to the parents to help paint--and wow, was it exciting. Paint. Drying. In return, I made them watch Attack of the Clones. My father left after 15 minutes, but my mother and I stayed to mock the dialogue.

Sunday I went to see the new Harry Potter, which rocked. Now I liked the first one, the slow pace and its many non-movie characteristics, but I also liked that they picked up the pace on this one. As a book, I think Chamber of Secrets is the weakest of the series so far, but the movie did a good job of compensating for that; perhaps it just plays out better visually than in text.

The actors also seemed much more comfortable in their roles and more natural; they overplayed Ron's comic relief bits a little too much, maybe because he stole the show in the last movie, but he was as good regardless. And I love Hermione. She was fabulous. My one real gripe was Gilderoy--I like Kenneth Branagh, but he didn't bring a lot of presence to the role. His scenes were pretty flat.

Oh, another moment of excitement: because of the rain, my power went out for a few hours Sunday night, which meant that I missed the last half of Angel. But I did get to crack out the candles and light them all around the living room like Spike's crypt. Then I read Diana Wynne Jones' Charmed Life (for the five millionth time) in the dim light, and ignored the eye strain. It was cool and very peaceful.

And now a new week stretches out like a cold and windy plain. But hey, Buffy tonight. I wish I could convey how much I am loving Buffy this season. I can't even be coherent about it. I just sit back and marvel and anticipate the next installment.

Oh, and apparently I am motivated by Peace according to the emode inkblot test.

"You are driven by a higher purpose than most people. You have a deeply-rooted desire to facilitate peacefulness in the world. Whether through subtle interactions with love ones, or through getting involved in social causes, it is important to you to influence the world."

And here I thought I wanted to influence the world for fun purposes like power and tyranny.

"You are driven by a desire to encourage others to think about the positive side of things instead of focusing on the negative. The reason your unconscious is consumed by this might stem from an innate fear of war and turmoil. Thus, to avoid that uncomfortable place for you, your unconscious seeks out the peace in your environment."

This is true to an extent, but on the other hand, I quite like depictions of war and turmoil: war movies, apocalyptic literature, the disintegration of social systems. And while I do like people to look on the positive rather than negative side of things, it's not so much a reflection of positive encouragement as it is my irritation with people who can't quit whining and get over themselves, already. But hey, I'm peaceful about it.

"Usually, the thing that underlies this unconscious drive is a deep respect for humankind. You care about the future of the world, even beyond your own involvement in it. As a result, your personal integrity acts as a surrogate for your deeper drive toward peace and guides you in daily life towards decisions that are respectful toward yourself and others."

I guess. On the one hand, I worry that this might translate into a kind of self-righteousness--and I do tend to have impossibly high expectations of other people, and get annoyed when those expectations aren't met. On the other hand, I'm not sure how much personal integrity I really do have, or if it's just something I try to aspire to.

That brings up my general dissatisfaction with these kinds of personality tests. Do they reflect who we really are, in terms of our actions and beliefs, or do they just reflect who we want to be? Just because I have certain values doesn't mean I embody them. And couldn't it also mean that because I see certain characteristics as valuable, I don't actually uphold them? Like I'm trying to fill some gap or lack in myself.

Okay, enough self-absorbed natterings for now.

November 10, 2002

I don't seem to be any better about updating my blog than I am about finishing my WIPs. I did put up one story that I wrote a year and a half ago--my first GW fic and the only one completed (completed is a kind assessment; it's completed because I lost the urge to keep going with it). Altitude, in which Lady Une muses on OZ and power. Shoutouts to Jintian and Liz, who read and commented those many months ago.

And I see J.'s got a new story herself. Farscape, which means my sense of the characters and background is vague at best, but it's got some sharp, vivid imagery and is extremely engaging for even a non-viewer like me.

Some snippets from blog entries that never made it to this page:

Today I ate nearly an entire bag of Chips Ahoy. I don't binge very often; I'm not a big fan of snack food generally, but me and Chips Ahoy--well, we have a special relationship. It's at the point now where I just can't buy them anymore, because Chips Ahoy and self-control are not best buddies in my universe. October 1, 2002.

I should add that I've recently become addicted to saltine crackers. Which is just...boring. But they're surprisingly yummy.

More recently:

I'm worried by my single-minded mission of killing every bee I see. I'm not fond of the small and many-legged, but there are enough advocates of cute fuzzy creatures that I always feel a little sorry for the less cute and fuzzy. I don't like to kill them. This indoor spray I have is for normal household flying insects--if you spray a bee, they'll drop and writhe around for, like, 12 hours or so before they die. Yet I remain unperturbed by their agony. November 3, 2002.

Flitting to the next topic: a minor Angel spoiler below.

October 16, 2002

I was thinking about Te's meme of your last five stories and what they say about you. My last five stories span two years, and they're not even very long stories. They also represent five different fandoms. Also, I am third person past tense girl all the way. Only one of my stories, a XF one from 1999, has some first person present in it, and that's only for a few pages of the story. Conclusions: I need to write more, I apparently have issues of fandom commitment, and I'm not terribly experimental.

Related to this, but not as a direct result of (it was before the meme), I started a writing journal. It was supposed to be updated daily, but I'm averaging every three days at the moment. It's really just a place for me to get out ideas and story snippets, and to keep my neurotic inner editor at bay, so I'm not promising any polished efforts there. I'm kind of enjoying it so far, actually.

There's an interesting discussion of Big Name Fans in Livia's journal. Miriam says some interesting things about the illusions of meritocracy and how power maintains itself through rationalization. I agree with this, in that I think there are status structures in fandom that work to maintain themselves, but I don't think the hierarchy is a closed one. In other words, the structure may exist, but who belongs to that structure (and where they are on the ladder) is not a foregone conclusion. I also think the structure itself is a very fluid one, in that the perceptions of it by various groups of people vary widely.

And this may just be snarkiness on my part, but I think people have equal investments in feeling unappreciated, unloved, and unwelcome as they do in feeling on top of the social hierarchy. That's a system that maintains itself, too. In addition, those who tend to feel the most unappreciated are those who write good but not necessarily spectacular fiction, which calls to mind the ridiculous grumblings of a privileged middle class who refuses to see their own privilege. Those who write craptastic fiction make their own fun, I think, and those who write spectacular fiction are probably too involved with their writing to care about BNF labeling and social structures.

On the other hand, I do understand how terrifying fandom can be to our egos and our sense of being loved and wanted. That's not a small thing. Putting yourself out there without the safety net of sure support can be excruciating. You sure as hell wouldn't catch me doing it *g*.

October 9, 2002

Some late night thoughts concerning Birds of Prey, brought to you by cranky PMS girl. (no real spoilers)

Why does she need to be named Huntress? Hunter would be much cooler. Why not just call her Huntress of the Silver Moon and sub her to any random fanfiction list.

Why is little blonde girl taking her acting cues from Kristin Kreuk? Why, why, why?

Why must exposition always be clunky? Why do we need exposition at all? Didn't they set everything up in the pre-show narrative?

Despite this, I didn't hate the premiere. I don't think I'll watch the show again, though. I liked Oracle. I liked Jesse Reese. Some of the action sequences were cool, with the black transparent cape and all. I liked the therapist *g*. Huntress/Helena could grow on me, though I spent most of her screen time ogling her eye makeup. Plot-wise, I think they set up an arc, but character-wise, it's going to be little blonde girl and her annoying insinuation into the group for the next several weeks, and I don't think I'm up for it.

Elsewhere on the television front: I am in love with BtVS so damned much. I'm getting the impression that people either loved last night's ep or really disliked it, which is interesting. I'm coming down on the fierce, passionate love end of things.

And Angel: not bad either. I am really into Connor; I hope he doesn't just disappear. And Wesley--good god.

Smallville was decent, though not as good as last week's ep, I thought. Despite the overused and cliched plot (Hathor!) of last week, I thought it was very well done, in part because there was an awareness of its cliched-ness, a self-referentiality that was playful, fun, and rather tightly written. Very unusual for Smallville *g*.

I was going to comment on Enterprise, too--I'm still watching, despite my weekly vow to never watch it again. Actually, tonight's ep wasn't bad. I've come to the realization, though, that Archer annoys the hell out of me. And I can't stand Malcolm's accent. And that the only character I really like is Tucker, followed next by Hoshi. Hmm. Trip/Hoshi.

October 6, 2002

Saw Four Feathers last night, which was...eh. Not a bad movie, but not spectacular, either. I think they were going for epic, but when the music swells and I'm stiffling giggles, I think not. But Heath Ledger did a decent job with a character whose motivations were at the very least murky, and he's very pretty, even in the scenes where he's not particularly.

I've been rereading The Neverending Story. A few weeks ago I read some decent Atreyu/Bastian slash on RareSlash, but I went in search of the archive and it seems to have disappeared. Anyone have an updated url for it?

My life right now is vascillating between blah and contentment. On the one hand, my courses are going well, though trying to get students to say what they really think is harder than one might imagine. I ask questions, they look at me with wide probing eyes, and I can see the thoughts: "what is she really looking for? What is the right answer?" then they finally respond with a tentative, "I don't know if this is right, but I think..." and so on. But they're getting better about that, and overall it's going well. My own academic work is also going well, in that I'm finally outlining some revisions and research I need to do for publications, after avoiding academia in general like a yellow-spotted plague this past year. My life is fairly stable financially (relatively so, anyway), and I've had a lot of free time to do things like see movies and go to local fall festivals and make trips up to Philly to watch Stargate with friends.

But, blah. I'm not writing, though the ideas are there. I have two unfinished stories that really need to be finished: one I started last July, and one I started in April of 2001, for god's sake. Neither are even that long. I'm still flush with Stargate love, but there's almost too much brain activity there at the moment: it's all still rolling around and fermenting in my head, and I have yet to tame any of my ideas and themes and plots into a workable writing project.

And gah, I missed Firefly on Friday. I'm still not used to having a show to watch Friday nights, and I'd made plans to watch FOTR again with mom, to celebrate her new DVD player and to keep her company while my father's out of town. So I forgot to set the VCR to record Firefly.

On the plus side, FOTR was just as good on the fifth watching. And last night I saw a preview for ST Nemesis that I hadn't seen before; that movie is going to rock. And fall is here. I'm not a cold weather person per se, but when it's October in my region of the world and I have the air conditioning on, I get cranky. I have cute fall clothes I haven't been able to wear yet.

But today is wonderfully chilly. And still sunny. So, yay. And in the last week or so I've been reading some very nice fanfiction, such as:

Te's Logos (Firefly). "In which names are named." This is a strange little story, perfect for River; there's a mystical quality to her madness that Te brings out with her usual flair for the extraordinary.

Jenn's The Autumn People (Smallville). Chloe, Lex, and much hotness. I really like the way Jenn writes Chloe; I can see her clearly as she is on the show, but Jenn fleshes her out even more with nuance and depth.

torch's RPF (nsync, back street boys). Funny and sexy, and very very hot.

Anna's Throwing Shapes (Buffy). Spike, Xander, amnesia, bank robbery, car sex. Anna calls this every cliche in the book, to which I say, bring them on.

So, you know. Life. Not bad *g*.

September 26, 2002

I keep forgetting I have one of these.

I was reading torch's post on emotional exposition, then posted a longish reply to Kat's response to this in her blog (I feel like a spiderwoman drawing in long sticky strands of thought). And since then (I don't know, 5 minutes) I've been thinking about this some more. My reply to Kat:

I just read torch's post and have been thinking a lot about this too. The funny thing is, what I worry about is that I don't put enough emotional exposition in my stories--I worry that there's nothing there to grab the reader, to draw them into that emotional geography. When writing I always ask myself, "but how do they *feel* about this person/situation," and I'm usually left with, "hell if I know" *g*. Then I worry of course that the exteriority of my stories doesn't reveal the underlying emotions the way that it ought to.

There's a part of me that thinks that if I were a better writer, I could find a way to write this story more -- exteriorly? (which is not a word) -- more as just a sequence of events, scene ... scene ... scene ... and let the fracture lines in the relationship simply show, and widen, and let the whole thing come apart, without all the talking about it.

I think the benefits of emotional exposition have to do with the middle ground you and torch talk about; but more importantly for me they have to do with the skill in which that exposition is handled. Skill and maturity. Emotional exposition that reads as, "he'd never desired someone so much before; he felt as if he were going to die," makes me roll my eyes; it's vague and says nothing about the characters themselves. But specific and thoughtful emotional exposition can be incredibly powerful, and in many ways is more likely to stick with me and have me rereading those stories than those that follow a more exterior...presentation, I guess.

What I'm really leading up to here is that I *do* think the emotional exposition in your stories is extremely powerful, insightful, and specific, and that's a large part of why I reread your work quite a lot. I don't think it's a matter of one approach being objectively better than the other; like everything else related to writing (in my opinion), it just has to do with how well it's executed and presented. Perhaps bad emotional exposition is just more painfully obvious than emotionally dead exterior writing.

But then in thinking about that, what concerns me (or at least potentially--I haven't really thought it out that much) is that our distaste for raw emotion comes from an association of feeling/emotion/want/desire with immaturity and weakness. One of the things I like about fanfiction, and slash particularly, is that this seeming weakness can be transformed into power--that emotions and wants and desires are important and potentially empowering. And while I certainly wish for fewer romance-type, over-the-top emotional exposition, I'd rather see writers feel secure enough to explore that landscape rather than feel they have to suppress it (and just to note: I don't think this is at all what torch was advocating; one of the points I got from her post is that there is a certain responsibility of the writer to see those emotions truthfully and without the trappings of cliche).

****

What I've been thinking about since then is that a large part of the problem with emotional exposition is that we do get so much of it in fanfiction; not that that's necessarily a problem, but the lack of other kinds of writing does make for, well, a lack. I do wish there was more fanfiction that experimented with different styles of presentation (like this brilliant little Oliver/Marcus story, Parable by Silvia). I wish sometimes that authors (myself included) would work toward a stronger narrative voice rather than relying on their characters' interior voices. This seems counter to the nature of fanfiction; but really, writers have made fanfiction's nature the way it is, and we can change it. I do remember thinking when I first started reading and writing fanfiction that there were limitations on what would be "accepted" in the community, simply because the preponderance of one type of fiction seemed to imply that. I struggled with that for a while, saw it as a way to expand my own writing horizons, and only recently have I been trying to break out of my own self-imposed molds. Or at least see them for what they are and objectively judge whether my own writing tendencies really fit in well with that mold(s).

We're not presented with a lot of other options, however. Now I'm thinking I need to come up with a list of "experimental" fanfiction, or fanfiction that doesn't fit the traditional mode. Anyone want to do this for me? *g* It would make a great rec page.

(Speaking of, if you haven't heard, Te the mighty one has put together a recs blog, for which I worship her. Hours of rec page surfing down to one easy, colorful location.)

September 20, 2002

I'm in a weird fandom place at the moment, where I'm pretty happy with everything fandom but feel no need to engage in any of it. I'm waiting for the new seasons, maybe. I'm trying to get psyched for Buffy--and I am psyched, really, I'm just not ready for summer to be over yet. Summer is my tv-free time, with the exception of rentals (and Stargate, of course, which doesn't really count, because it's the past seasons on DVD--and yeah, there's reasoning there somewhere, it might just not be clear to anyone who isn't me).

But back to Buffy. I am getting psyched. I watched Two to Go and Grave this week in preparation, and had all of these thoughts concerning Willow/Buffy parallels that didn't make it past the fleeting-thought portion of my brain. I watched the Spike scenes closely to see if I could really buy the claim (by the writers? JW?) that Spike's intention was to regain his soul all along. I don't know. I'm iffy on that one. On the one hand, one could read "gets what she deserves" as "a man with a soul," and chalk up all of the "bitch" remarks to Spike's anger that he's been brought to this, even if it's what he really wants (kind of a manly rage at being so utterly love-whipped). And at the point when the lurky guy commented at how sad it was he'd been brought to this, I did believe Spike went with the intention of regaining his soul--because it's not like the chip is his fault, and if it's his desire to get it out, I would expect lurky demon to say something along the lines of, "hey, glad you've finally come to your senses, you love-whipped vampire."

On the other hand, it doesn't quite work in terms of the dramatic impact of the last scene. Here's the scenario I originally read: we as the reader think Spike is going to get his chip out, because he's fed up with being Buffy's cabana boy. In a surprise, cliffhanging move, Lurky pulls a fast one and gives him his soul, instead--and this is what I think is cool, that perhaps Lurky saw this as his true desire, but not one that is realized or articulated by Spike. Like seeing in his heart what Spike is unable to see, because while he's all about reveling in his love for Buffy, there's an aspect to that relationship that's...comfortable for Spike. In that he can play the bad boy trying to seduce the good girl, and be frustrated in his thwarted attempts--but I wonder if he really expects/wants to succeed. It's a safe relationship for Spike, because Buffy will never really return his affections in the way he thinks he wants. She backs off at the most crucial times, and I think he's okay with her backing off, because then he can play the seducer; and eventually she'll turn around and whack him around, and he can be the dip in her tango. Yeah, whatever. And part of what Seeing Red was about--for me--was Spike realizing how far he is willing to go to pursue this..thing...between them. I don't really see it as the build up of frustration on his part, but rather sometime else breaking through--some new desire, or an old desire in new form.

That was my original reading, though more articulated at this point then I was able to do last spring. I like this reading of it; it makes sense to me in my view of the characters and their relationship. If Spike went with the conscious intention of regaining his soul, I think it makes the dramatic impact much less--it's more about fooling us as the stupid viewer, ha ha, and less about the fucked-up complexities of Spike's psyche (his soul, heh). Spike's constant and open revelation of his true feelings (which he always poses against Buffy's supposed repression of hers) is just another barrier. In other words, I'm not taking him at face value, and the more he presents his feelings as open and simple, the more I'm inclined to read them as complex and hidden. But I am also perverse that way.

And now I'm really psyched for Buffy.

I also finally got to see Tempest, so I'm looking forward to Smallville. And Firefly is premiering tonight, about which I know nothing except that it's Joss Whedon's latest. I suppose I'll be watching Angel, though I missed the finale last spring--hopefully it's airing again Sunday. I don't know that I'll be watching anything else--I'll probably do my typical thing and let my friends watch all the new shows and tell me what's good. Then, of course, I will have missed all of the important set-up and character introduction episodes, and will be gnashing my teeth all season that I missed them. Somehow knowing this doesn't make me any more inclined to watch all of the new offerings, though. I suppose I am perverse that way as well.

Other mundane artifacts of my life:

I got my hair cut today. It's short and bouncy. (I had the urge just now to write, "just like me!" but I am neither short nor particularly bouncy.) I like it.

The side of my left leg is still swollen from a bee sting I got last Monday night. In my sleep. The little fu--, um, critter crawled into my bed and stung me. Not surprisingly, this woke me up. It's a very unpleasant way to be woken, let me tell you. Anyway, I seem to be allergic to bee stings now, because my leg puffed up like the top side of a baseball. The last time this happened was a year ago, and that time it was my foot. The time before that was when I was eight or so, and nothing happened then except an hour or so of pain. So apparently I am: 1. more attractive to bees now; and 2. not very appreciative of it. My mother is trying to convince me to see a doctor, if nothing else than to get a prescription for the next time this happens (which in my mind is just begging for a next time to happen). I've inherited my father's suspicion of all things medical, however. Doctors, ha. I don't believe they're as smart as they think they are.

Time for Firefly.

September 10, 2002

What I have learned from reading Stargate slash:

1. There isn't enough of it. I've gone through Anna's recs, and Destina's recs, and Merry's recs, and Sandy's recs. And now I'm a junky, hooked, searching through the back alley trash for...whatever it is junkies look for. Sustenance. That's it. Sustenance. (And if anyone is mistaking this for a calm appraisal of the lack of SG slash out there, I wish you could see the manic expression on my face.)

Contributing to this is that I've seen the first two seasons in the space of two weeks. I've been watching a little too much Stargate lately, maybe. I'm trying to get my mother hooked as well--and I think I have, because she watched the pilot and asked questions about the characters, about future story arcs (about which I know very little, since I've only seen the first two seasons--I did tell her about Daniel's little ascension, at which she looked sad and said, "but he's so cute!"). She wants to watch more episodes. This is no small accomplishment, as my mother is very picky about what she watches. She's into most genre shows, as long as they aren't, as she phrases it, "icky." Buffy, unfortunately, qualifies as "icky" for her, as do a lot of the shows I like. I don't know why I should think this is my accomplishment, but I feel strangely victorious.

Back to my own watching. Because I didn't space the two seasons out more, and it looks like the third season won't be released on DVD until early next year (though the Sci-Fi channel is going to show the first five seasons in order, starting September 30), I hunger even more for good fic. Which leads me to:

2. My willingness to read gen. I still haven't ventured into it, but I do have some stories downloaded to check out. What's stopping me from just going through the J/D slash archive voraciously is that what I really crave is long, plotty stories in which the whole team is involved (and play significant roles), with that lovely element of slash thrown in. My slash vibes are focused on Jack/Daniel right now, though Jack/Teal'c has some appeal for me, too (not enough right now to read it--I'm still walking the edges, testing the water of my slash psyche, before venturing into more tangible offerings).

So, gen. My biggest problem with most gen stories is that, while plotty and very centered in the show in question, they have to work harder to catch my interest. Slash engages my more visceral side, and if it engages my head as well, I'm in heaven. Gen has to appeal to my brainy, de-sexualized self, which is a lot pickier about what it likes.

But I think I can read gen in Stargate, because I'm starved for anything that is grounded in the show and the characters and the team dynamic. I'd also like some Sam-centered stories, preferably not romance, because Sam is one of the very few women on television who doesn't inspire either disinterest or rage in me. I envy Sam. I want to be Sam. She rocks.

(And if anyone reading this doesn't see this as a plea for recs, let me kindly bop you on the head. Recs would be adored and cherished, and the rec'er worshiped.)

3. My lack of interest in SG angst. Or, more accurately, my greater interest in funny, compelling, action-oriented (while still attentive to character development) stories rather than drawn-out angst fests. I usually live for well-written angst, but while I see some room for it on the show, the overriding theme of the series for me is about the families you make, the people you care about, the lengths you'll go to protect them, the compromises you make, the bonds you form. So much of this is revealed through action and what is left unspoken, and bringing it to the forefront seems counter to the spirit of the show.

(A very important exception to this is Anna's Meetings, which I've mentioned here before and mention again because I read it, like, every other night. It makes me cry and want to tear my hair out. *waves cheerily to Anna* Maybe that's why I'm steering clear of most SG angst, because I can't imagine it done equally well or better. If, however, you have recs in which you think angst is very well done, then see above.)

4. My inability to read hurt/comfort. What surprised me when I stumbled across some in SG fic is that I'd never read h/c before. This seemed strange to me. In thinking back, my usual reaction to seeing a story labeled h/c in any of the fandoms I read was neither "run away" nor "must read." More like a bland disinterest (if disinterest can be anything but bland). Now, after reading some, I don't think h/c inspires any violent "ick" reactions in me, but I do feel a lot of discomfort with it. Not the hurt part so much, but the comfort aspect. There's a mommy dearest component to it, a "I hurt you so I can comfort you" drive. A little over a year ago, there was this commercial aimed at young girls, advertising a doll that by applying some kind of ointment (just water, I imagine) she would break out in spots. Chicken pox, I guess. Some kind of illness, anyway. The focus was on the comfort and care you (the child) could give the doll while she was sick, until finally you applied something else and she was made all better. I found (and still find) this appalling, though I'm not sure I can articulate why at the moment.

I feel like I'm dissing an entire genre of fanfiction--but let me put it this way. Hurt/comfort seems to me to deal with one of the borders of our psychological landscape that inspire fear, longing, shame, and desire. The great thing about fanfiction is that we can explore those borders, either to revel in them or push them to their limits. In other words, to bring them closer to the center so that the impulse in question doesn't inspire feelings of shame or guilt, or to push at the limits of what motivates these impulses to better understand them. These are both good things. H/c is just one of those borders I'm not willing to explore. I'm sure this has to do with the murkiness of my own psychological landscape, blah blah, but while I can see the intellectual benefits of exploring these borders, I'm all about having my hot buttons pushed right now.

5. I've never encountered a fandom before that engaged so many of my interests. Military men and women, check. Brainy academics, check. Moral issues that are dealt with intelligently and without offering easy answers. Contact with other cultures with attention to all of the issues that arise from that. Individual character development while placing this in the context of the team.

What I've learned from writing about Stargate slash:

1. My impulse to update my blog is directly proportional to the amount of work I need to be doing instead.